I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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