Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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