so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
