Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
