finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
