Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
