living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize