if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
