ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
