So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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