it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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