i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
