dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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