Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Randomize
