yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
