I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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