So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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