did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
