get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
