Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
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