Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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