i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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