The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
