Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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