I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
