I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
