So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
