just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
