Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
