I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
