You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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