I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
