What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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