I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
