2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
