It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
