I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
