Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
