I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
