I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All the doctor said was why
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
