why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
