my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
