as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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