So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
