Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
