My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
