I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
