I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
