I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
