we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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