If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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