you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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