We named our party play list daddy issues
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
