I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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