dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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