I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
