forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
