Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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