I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
