No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
